Rebecca:
I feel that I owe you much more than a simple, reactionary tell-off via text; the truth is that I'm a loving person, and even if you don't love me that much, which I find hard to believe (instead, I feel you are blocked by difficulties in order to share your heart with anyone at this point in your life), I wanted you to know some things: I do love you and always will; when I share my heart with someone, as I have with you, it is forever. But, I am pained by being with you because I was in a needy place. And I craved your physical affection which wasn't available to me anymore. More than that, it has pained me to see you do things to yourself that I find so damaging. I understand your need to medicate the way you do at this time in your life because of your family situation but I forgot that. I still don't like seeing someone in addiction. After all my education, I know that it is a dark road and I don't believe that the costs that are inflicted upon you is what you ideally want for yourself. And the "latter" thing we talked about was just too painful to hear on so many levels. I really wish I could save you from that damage you would do upon yourself; it really is something that is such a turn-off, such a corruption to the soul... I love you, Rebecca. I don't like to see you do things to yourself that damage you. Please reconsider.... I wish, with my newfound fortune, that I could help you out of the dark place you are in. But I fear that you aren't yet in a place to find the light and I don't want to be dragged down and hurt.
Do you understand why I separated from you? It is because I am in pain by what you do to yourself. That is love. I don't want to abandon you either. I wish I could be there for you in your difficult time because I relate to them; and not only that, it is because that is who I am; I am a person who believes in love; it is my philosophy to love and bring hope, joy, comfort, strength and aid to those who need it. But I cannot extend that to people who do not help themselves or people who would drag me down with them because they are too sick to see that they are hurting me.
I have so much to say to you Becca and, yet, I can wrap it up in one word: love; I wish I could save you. I have been selfish, I have to admit. I was in a lonely, lonely place. I haven't had sex since October of last year, and because of my past, unenlightened, corrupted psychology, I have been down on myself because I felt so undesirable. I just wanted to feel the same way again when I met you, desirable, lifted, happy--which you did for me--and I will always appreciate that. It's just, that when I have been in this dark place in my life, all I wanted is some love, some feeling of being desired, and wanting you sexually became more important that my principles--and my principles are to love and to be available and to care--especially about someone I love who is in my heart--you, Rebecca. Alas, I am not Jesus, nor Superman, and if I were, my Kryptonite is someone I love doing things to themselves that are so damaging and unattractive--I mean the "latter." Please reconsider...
But, like I said previously, I am not Superman nor Jesus nor any other paragon of spiritual perfection. I am Lehel. And you were once in my heart and always shall be. But what you do hurts me, and I cannot be dragged down into the darkness with you....
Do you remember when we first talked at the Rhino in Torrance? I do. I remember us talking about philosophy. It was that connection I had with you that got me excited. Not so much the fact that you were an attractive stripper, which was nice on a sexual level, but on a deeper level you and I connected talking about philosophy, dualism I believe. I remember you admitting to me of going to a philosophy club and being embarrassed that the other people in the class were more learned in the topics and you were lost; I thought it was so endearing. I never thought you were stupid, Rebecca; I valued the fact that you had so much potential. And I valued that you seemed so taken with me. It made me feel so good, for someone in a dark time in my life, after the worst broken heart of my life, to build me up again--to recognize my brilliance, my personality, my energy; you made me feel good Becca. And that is what I choose to remember about you--that is what I choose to hope that you will build on, at least, one day.
I really am confused, though, Becca. I am not sure how you feel about me. And the drugs must be interfering with everything as well, I would guess (as they do affect cognitive capacities.) I am not sure if I mean much to you or, if at some level, you still have desire for me. I wish you did. I wish I could save you from you hurting yourself and doing something to yourself that is just dark, damaging, and despairing. Rebecca, I love you; do not hurt yourself as you suggested to me. But, you are going to do what you are going to do. And I don't even know if you will be honest with me. I do not know if I can trust you. And most importantly, I don't know how much I really matter to you. I just know that I love you and when you love someone, and that person does something to themselves that is damaging, it hurts. And maybe on a less, unromantic level, it is just a turn-off, and I fear someone I've been always sexually attracted to, because of our history and connection, would do something to themselves on a soul-level, that would be so unattractive, that I couldn't even want them again; and that's how it would be, God's honest truth; I'd never desire you again in that way. I implore you, not for me, but for yourself, save yourself of degradation if you can.
I digress. I am not Jesus nor Superman, as I was saying. I am not Popeye and you are not Olive Oil; life is much more complicated that simple archetypes. But, I do believe in right and wrong, I believe in love, good energy, generosity, compassion, aid, mercy, forgiveness and all that. But I am human and I cannot help but feel hurt to a woman who has rejected my sexuo-romantically. Maybe things can change. But you said yourself, I must be a masochist to want to be with you. Maybe I am. But, I'm realizing I can't bare the pain of the present circumstances, and that is why I told you that I must say farewell. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could tell you: I can be your friend. But you choose to enter a place I cannot nor want to follow you to. I pray, one day, the lover of wisdom, the philosopher will come back to a place of light, that I can help you to a place of where you respect your body instead of damage it, to a time where you are receptive to me teaching you of my philosophies of hope and love.
We talked of not being alone in the Universe the last time we talked, and I debated with you about the existence of aliens or other intelligences; I was being closed minded because I gave up on any such magic. But, deep down, I remember what is important in my "soul," if you will. I think the idea of being "alone" is nothing but a fantasy we create, from a word, from an idea of separation which is driven by fear and pain of social rejection in our primate brains. It is a game, to be the most beautiful, to be the most wanted, to be the highest status, in our primate brains. I got sucked up in the dark energy of being accepted by the group, to feel better about myself by doing well financially and sexually and then feeling terrible if I was sexually undesirable, as you and most women can understand. But, I'm finally realizing tonight, after a powerful revelation I had (after a mixture of drugs), that all that shit about being desired, being hot, or feeling unattractive and worthless is but a game we get lost in, in our primate brains. And when we wake up and liberate from it, at least for me, I have realized that suffering and darkness is unnecessary. My philosophy of life is to love myself, spread love and good energy to others, not let myself get dragged down into the darkness again and "live the fuck out of this life" before my body quits. I want to make this world a better place. I'm not sure if you follow that philosophy, Rebecca; instead, I worry that you have succumbed to the painful place of only caring for yourself--which is a dark, lonely place.
But, I do admire your deep-down, romantic nature that you hide. I wish things were really magical and right between you and your romantic ideal, the image of Tonny that sits in your brain, that is disparate from the real Tonny; he may make you feel good in some ways, but that is not love. And that guy doesn't desire you like you desire him....I remember him saying that you were replaceable once. Does that feel good? I could go on, but you will believe what your mind wants to believe. Maybe I'm not the guy for you. I wish I was. I wish I could rescue you from the doom you set upon your soul--because it will hurt you... and I love you--and when someone you love does things to hurt themselves, it is very painful; I'm not sure you can understand. But try. Imagine if I or Tonny or Mark or Dustin was doing things to do damage to themselves while you just watched helplessly, do things that inflicted pain and long-term damage to themselves; you wouldn't want to be around them--you wouldn't want to witness the damage, you wouldn't want to empathetically feel the pain of someone you love hurting themselves and lowering themselves to somewhere they shouldn't be.
I don't know what you really think of yourself, Rebecca. But, I never wanted to give up on you, I love you too much for that; please don't give up on yourself. Again, I wish I could save you from the darkness, I wish with my newfound prosperity and positivity I could help you, guide you, care for you, teach you; alas, I think you said it best before: you don't desire me that way anymore. And I should give up on the romantic feelings, because they only occlude my heart from loving you and teaching you what love is about--because I do feel you struggle with caring about others--whether that is because how you were raised in an only-child classic syndrome or if its the drugs that make you way to self-absorbed, I don't know--but I do know that I love you, and you don't need to do things that bring you down--you don't need to believe you are alone, because we are one, Rebecca; we are all one--loneliness is a feeling, an illusion, brought about by social influences in our primate brain. We need not be controlled by our base selves. I wish I could marry you and you would be my queen, and I would spoil you and you would adore me and we could play together until the end of our days. But that isn't reality, is it? I want kids, you don't. Your present philosophy is a dark, jaded one and my current one is an enlightened, hopeful one. Maybe it is because my mother was ill when I was young that I'm attracted to women who are broken and need rescuing. And maybe that's something I need to evolve past. But do know this Rebecca, my love for you isn't just chance; I don't believe that--and belief is everything--what we believe is who we are and what we experience. I, instead, believe that we are connected for a reason--that we are soul-mates in some way--there is a reason why you and I have not quit on each other--that I write this for you, that we still talk--it is because we have something to learn and share with each other. I believe there is hope for you, yet Rebecca. That isn't delusion--that is my highly trained intuition. And I won't close the door on you, and I am sorry for what I texted to you. I wish, again, I could find a way to pull you to me, to rescue you, to give you what you need so that we could be lovers...but am I dreaming?
At the very least, I do love you and want to be a good role-model for what love is. Real love, the "agape" I told you of from the ancient Greek philosophy, is unselfish love. It is like the love of family. I wish I could be your brother; I wish I lot of things. But I am human and its hard to see someone you have loved sexually do harm to themselves....very painful, indeed. And I can't bare it. But I don't want to be someone who abandons someone in need, either. So, it is a conundrum, definitely. It is too late for us to be just friends, at least for now in this time. Lovers, maybe. Platonic friends, perhaps not. And so, I called it quits because I needed to take care of myself. I never felt such pain in my heart as I did the other night for you. And to be aquainted with you in a time when you embrace a dark road I cannot follow is too much for me to handle. Just image if someone you loved did to themselves what you considered doing. Can you? I don't know. But know it is love that causes me to hurt. I care for you Rebecca. I just wish would love yourself as well because I see someone loveable. I just feel you need more direction and you need to get off the drugs long enough for therapy to be effective, instead of wasting your money squawking like a pink monkey-bird to your therapist when you are tweaked up, when, instead, you should be sober and venting your true emotions. Life hurts. But there is love. I love you. And I wish I could be there for you. But I don't want to be hurt by you. I wish you were my girlfriend again, and we could build a life together, but you don't desire me anymore. I am on a road towards goodness, hope, love and positivity, while you are dancing with the dark.
I love you Rebecca. I wish you were my lady. But, I guess that isn't the case. And, because of this, my romantic nature is hurt. I don't know how to be your friend right now. How can I even be just friends if I have to see you doing things to yourself that are so painful and damaging? How? I can't. But, I do believe there is a better way Rebecca. There is light. Where there is darkness, there is always light--for one cannot exist without the other. And I have found my light tonight. I urge you to find yours. It is there for you to bask in. My light is love. And I love you. I hope you will find the love and love yourself and be happy one day.
Farewell, my love.
Lehel
